Are you a classically trained singer? Were you allegedly blackmailed into appearing on Rupert Murdoch’s boat? Did you sack it all off to host Have I Got News For You and appear at the Hay Literary Festival? Did Armando Iannucci imagine your death by means of vomit-induced self-inversion? Are you now spending your time writing songs that sound like U2 covering Glasser? No?

Then f-ck you, you will never be as cool as Charlotte Church.