The last day (sadly) of your letters. Today we have a guy hopelessly in love with his cheating bitch of a girlfriend and a guy who just can’t keep the time. Steph is on hand to help though, of course.
Dear Auntie Steph,
I have a serious problem.
Long story short, my girlfriend is really beautiful and I love her more than anything in the entire world.
We started dating 4 years ago and we’ve had our problems. (In essence we’ve broken up a total of 5 times, once for over 6 months.) I’ve proposed to her, but she keeps putting it off, and says she’s not ready to get married.
To complicate matters her parents hate me. (I had some problems with drugs and alcohol in the past but am clean and sober now for 4 years and 5 months.)
I know she has cheated on me in the past (with my old best friend) but she continues to swear she is now faithful. (Even though I’ve found texts from other guys, she says they are ‘just friends’.) She has been going out a lot lately, and I’ve heard from friends that she has been messing around with this bartender guy, (which is particularly painful because she knows about my past alcohol problems.)
I don’t know who to believe. How can I get her to settle down with me and start the family that we used to talk about?
Signed,
Helplessly in love with her
Dear Helpless,
First of all, you tried to keep that story short? FAIL. I got so bored that I started going into the light a little bit. But I’m going to give you some advice anyway since its clear you cant work your way out of a paper cup.
Your girlfriend is a bitch.
You’d be better off dating Mischa Barton.
She is cheating on you.
Probably with your own mother.
It’s clear that she doesn’t like you anymore because she is shagging OTHER PEOPLE.
Remember…. if it talks like a fish, swims like a fish, and smells like a fish (which im sure she does) it’s a FISH.
You seem like a good guy, why don’t you date someone less pretty? They have a harder time sleeping with other people. Then get yourself an HIV test and a good stiff drink.
Love,
Auntie Steph
Dear Auntie Steph,
My problem is that I keep missing your gigs, like when you supported Andrew Bird and I arrived halfway though your last song, and when you played at the Union Chapel, the first time I was away, and the second time I turned up after you had finished!
In fact the only entire set I managed to catch was when you played at the Scala and that was a long time ago.
Best wishes,
Late for Stuff
Dear Late for Stuff,
I have an idea.
How ’bout when I play a gig I’ll just stall for like a half hour till you get there??
You could text me when you arrive and then I’ll time my walk on stage with your arrival. I could even wait till you get your drink.
Would that work for you? WRONG! Buddy you need to buy a watch and get to my awesome shows before they start. I’m spewing genius and if you miss it, it’s your problem not mine. I get to see myself every single day. But, because you aren’t so lucky you need to be on top of things.
Love,
Auntie Steph
ps. just so you know, at that Andrew Bird show, I gave everyone a tenner after the first song.
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