Bella Union Week :: Aunt Agony #1

It’s not just the staff at TLOBF who are a mixed up bunch (both emotionally and physically) – it appears to be our readers too! Judging by what we discovered in our post bag for Stephanie Dosen (Bella Union songstress and all round *mega bitch* – oh yeah, don’t believe the rumours about her being nice, she’s actually horrid) and her ‘Aunt Agony’ column you lot need major help. Which is why Auntie Steph is on board – to sort your messed up lives out. We’ll be publishing two or three of the best letters every day this week. Stephanie, it’s over to you.

Dear Auntie Steph,

Do I exist? Will I exist after I die? Beethoven’s 5th exists as an idea, irrespective of any performances or recordings, right? So even if all physical instances of it are destroyed, as long as I remember it, it exists.

Similarly, as long as God remembers us, do we exist after our physical manifestation is over?

Signed,
In a state of flux

Dear Moron,

I’m sorry were you talking? I just fell asleep. First of all, there is no God. Secondly if there was, I doubt she’d remember you. Quit trying to think, it’s obviously hurting you. Find something useful to do and get back to work.

Love,
Your favourite Auntie

Dear Aunie Steph,

I am 22 years old, white, male singer and I love the music of Smokey Robinson and Motown sounds.

I have wanted this career in music ever since I can remember (since I was a little child) but I’m afraid no one takes me seriously as a soul singer because my colour of my skin. I have gone many times into clubs to try to get work but so far I haven’t really made advancement with this.

Should I give up this dream? Also, I should mention, I am German living in England.

Thank you,
Dietrich

Dear Oh my God,

I’m not sure what to tell you other than, if you aren’t getting gigs the reason is A. you suck, or B. you are very ugly. Though I’m guessing probably a little bit of both. Why don’t you lower your sights and count your blessings. Remember you ARE German, I’m sure you have good organizational skills.

Try clerical work or marching in a band. Leave trying to be “Michael Jackson on opposite day” to Justin Timberlake.

Love,
Your favourite Auntie

Dear Auntie Steph,

I met this guy recently and I’d really like for us to be friends, he’s just the sort of gayer I like because he doesn’t conform to any of the usual homosexual stereotypes. And therein lies the rub. He lacks of any sort of fashion sense or personal grooming. And his musical tastes are, well, let’s just say his favourite bands are Ministry, Apoptymga Berzerk, Feindflug and Suicide Commando. See what I mean?!

I have no “interface” with that kind of stuff, the ONLY common ground we’ve found was Fever Ray and I think he only said he liked her to humour me. I’m just a country boy at heart, is there any hope for our friendship at all?

Acoustically yours,
James from Leeds

Dear me me me,

Simple. I believe the tool you are looking for is called “behaviour modification”. This is a very effective method of molding a child, pet, or loved one into behaving exactly as you please. It’s handy when you’ve got a “wild one” who has the gall to flaunt around a personality.

Tip 1. Gently shape and guide musical tastes by synching their iPod to your library. Pretty much problem solved. Also if you find they have CD’s, tapes or records of their own, destroy them. Acclimate them to your own “better” music (i.e. John Denver) by placing headphones on them while they sleep.

Tip 2. Lay out precisely what they are to wear. Sometimes you may have to tape or harness the clothes to them. That is ok.
Make sure you have plenty of mousse available and remind them often how ugly they look when they don’t use it.

Tip 3. If they don’t comply with any of your commands, withhold food, sex, treats and affection. Also don’t be afraid to use the silent treatment liberally.

Lastly don’t forget the power of belittling, mocking and laughing at them if they step out of line. If after 6 weeks they are still coming up with ideas of their own, then you’ve got a problem. Add to that I suggest finding yourself a nice full-length mirror.

It wont keep you warm at night but it will look exactly like you.

Love,
Your favorite Auntie

More of your letters tomorrow!